Colbert, O'Reilly, and Christ

I can't remember what, besides illness, kept me from noting this at the time, but Colbert unleashed an unusually barbed set of arrows at Bill O'Reilly and Bernard Goldberg just before Christmas. The subject was O'Reilly's and Goldberg's reductions of Jesus's teachings into the straitjacket of modern conservative doctrine, and Colbert, a devout Catholic who has taught (and might still teach) Sunday school, responded with devastating broadsides.

Here's a transcript of the relevant portion of the show.

Folks, it just seems -- just seems to me that the Democrats don't get Christmas. Another example: Congressman Jim McDermott, who used the baby Jesus to push his pro-poor people agenda. Jim?

[12 Dec 2010 clip, source unknown]
This is Christmas time. We talk about good Samaritans, we talk about the poor, the little baby Jesus in the cradle and all this stuff, and then we say to the unemployed, "We won't give you a check to feed your family." That's simply wrong.

Of course it's wrong: we shouldn't be talking to them at all! They've got unemployment cooties! And I am not the only one upset by McDermott's flagrant injection of charity into the Christmas season: so is Papa Bear, Bill O'Reilly. In his weekly column he wrote:

[9 December 2010 column]
Every fair-minded person should support government safety nets for people who need assistance through no fault of their own. But guys like McDermott don't make distinctions like that. For them, the baby Jesus wants us to "provide" no matter what the circumstance. But being a Christian, I know that while Jesus promoted charity at the highest level, he was not self-destructive.

Good point, Bill. Jesus said we only have to love those who deserve it. And what I like best about Bill's argument is its complete factual inaccuracy, because it would be inconvenient to guys like us to repeat what Jesus actually said. For instance, if someone wants your coat, give them your cloak as well; rich people should sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor. Plus, the fact is, Jesus was way beyond self-destructive: he was self-sacrificial. I mean, the guy is God! He could have floated off that cross like Criss Angel, MindFreak!

And I love--I love how Bill closes with, "The Lord helps those who help themselves," kind of implying that Jesus said that, when it was actually Ben Franklin, who I believe belched out that proverb between mouthfuls of French whore.

But as much--as much as I'm a fan of Bill's willfully ignorant, borderline heretical self-justification, I gotta tip my hat to Bernie Goldberg, who came on "The Factor" to call Jesus like he sleezus. Jim?

[13 Dec 2010 O'Reilly Factor]
As a matter of fact, you know, Jesus probably would be, except for one or two issues, a liberal Democrat if he were around today.

Yes. Jesus was a liberal Democrat. It's right there in his name: Jesus H. Christ! That "H" clearly stands for "Hussein"! Plus Jesus was always flapping his gums about the poor, but not once did he call for tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of Romans, even though they create all the good slave jobs. And don't forget, Jesus hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes, and no good conservative would be caught dead with tax collectors.

What frightens me--what frightens me really--what really frightens me about this is, now we know we got a liberal Jesus seated at the right hand of the Father. He's basically Yahweh's Joe Biden. Anything happens to the big guy, we could end up with a Socialist deity redistributing my loaves and fishes.

Well, it hurts me to say this, folks, but if Jesus really is a liberal, it's time to get the Christ out of Christmas. Now, listen, listen listen: you know me, you know me. I'm no fan of the term "Xmas," or X-anything: I make my kids play "Christbox 360," and if they break a bone, they get "Christ-rays." But it is time to take baby Jesus out of the manger! Replace him with something that's easier to swallow. How about a Honeybaked ham? Because if this is gonna be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition -- and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

Merry Xmas, everybody!

This is only the second time I can recall that Colbert the man has allowed true anger to leak through the mask of Colbert the persona, the first being his turn at the 2006 White House Correspondents dinner. In both cases, his outrage -- against an overly compliant, almost complicit White House press corps and regally detached President in 2006, against a pair of theologically untutored commentators misrepresenting Christ in 2010 -- seems to have overwhelmed his usual determination to stay in character.

And in both cases, his biting satire has been a searing indictment of hypocrisy and outright falsehood.

(I look forward to catching up with his response to Limbaugh's racist jabbering.)